Emails From an Asshole by John Lindsay

Author:John Lindsay
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: Non-fiction:Humor
ISBN: 9781402778278
Publisher: Sterling
Published: 2010-01-02T00:00:00+00:00

Fat Bitch Won’t Ride the Bus

Melanie’s original ad:

im looking for ride from the philadelphia area to pittsburgh next friday. i will split the cost of gas with you. I am female and would prefer to ride with another female or young (21-ish) person.

From Me to Melanie:

Hey! I am going to Pittsburgh and can give you a ride. Can you meet me at 30th St. Station 11 AM on Friday? By the way, I’m 21, so you don’t have to worry about riding with some old creeper.

Mike

From Melanie to Me:

hey mike! that sounds good. how much do you want for gas? let me get your number so we can work out the details.

From Me to Melanie:

Melanie,

I was thinking around $70 should cover it. Unfortunately I do not have a cell phone because I accidentally forgot to take my pants off when I was taking a bath last night and forgot my cell phone was in the pocket. It won’t turn on! Could you just stand outside of the west entrance with a sign that says “I’m Melanie”? I’ll look for you.

Mike

From Melanie to Me:

wow, i wasnt expecting to pay $70! why so much? i was thinking more around 30-35 bucks! also im not standing out there with a sign lol.

From Me to Melanie:

Melanie, I’m sorry but the price is not negotiable. Unfortunately the cheapest bus ticket is $70. Do you want to just meet me on the bus if you don’t want to stand out there with a sign?

From Melanie to Me:

what?! i didnt want to ride a bus! i thought you were driving a car to pittsburgh. wtf dude

From Me to Melanie:

Well, shit, Melanie, I didn’t think you would be so picky about what kind of vehicle you wanted to ride in. If price is an issue, I can sneak you on the bus. I’ve done it before with my son. I have a duffel bag that is pretty big, and you can just hide inside it and not move and they will load you under the bus. I’ll make sure that they put you on top of all the other luggage so you aren’t crushed. You can have my video iPod to stay entertained during the bus ride. It has the first season of “Deadwood” on it. You aren’t fat, are you? I don’t want the bag to rip from underneath when they lift it up.

Mike

From Melanie to Me:

are you fucking with me? this has to be a joke. there is no fucking way im doing that.

From Me to Melanie:

Oh, you aren’t a “Deadwood” fan? I think I have the Ben Affleck hit “Gigli” on my iPod if you wanted to watch that instead.

From Melanie to Me:

NO! IM NOT SNEAKING ON TO THE FUCKING BUS IN A GODDAMN SUITCASE

From Me to Melanie:

Okay, I didn’t realize you were so sensitive about your weight. If you can’t fit in the duffel bag, that’s fine. I just went and ordered you the bus ticket. It is pretty much first-come first-serve for seating on the bus.

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